dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize