for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
this just has baby written all over it
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
ttyl tear gas
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize