Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Mom said you looked used
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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