I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
