i barfeds in our rink
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
