someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
