I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
