Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
