oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
