She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
