the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
