i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
