If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
