Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
