I met the friendliest cop last night
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
