I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize