smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
