I hope my margaritas pass through security.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
