That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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