Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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