When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
