Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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