i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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