tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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