haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
