??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
