I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
