I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
So much rum. So many feels.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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