If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
