Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
