the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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