I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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