I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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