Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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