haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
