theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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