My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
