my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
