The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Randomize
