Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize