Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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