I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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