Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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