im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
