im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Randomize
