OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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