i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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