He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
