my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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