First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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