i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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