Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
