Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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