I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
