Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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