Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
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