he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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