i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
