i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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