i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Randomize
